I think I've just done the dumbest thing in the world. Today my ex-boyfriend's mother came in to BJ's to shop and for some reason, I stopped her and told her that I needed closure with Joe and if I could possibly get his phone number. She asked for mine instead and me being stupid, I did. And now I am freakin' out 'cause I probably should have talked to Jim first about it and what the hell is he gonna do if this guy calls and he answers the phone? SHIT!

So here's the deal about Joe: Joe and I dated for 1 1/2 years back in 99-00. He was the younger man and I was just happy he wasn't gay. Anyway, we had a turbulent year and a half in which I went back to school and he joined the Army. After bootcamp he decided he didn't want to be in the Army so he tried just saying he wanted to kill himself and that landed him in R wing of Strong. Anyway, he ended up having to go back and they told him that they would probably discharge him because of everything. So we thought great in a week he would be back and everything would be back to normal. Well, that didn't happen. The day he left to go to Georgia he said I love you and I'll see you in a week. Well, a week turned into 2 weeks which turned into months which turned into years. His mother broke up with me for him over the phone about 2 months after he left. I haven't seen or heard from him since that day in February back in '00.

Now you are probably all wondering why the hell I would even want to talk to this jerk when I have the greatest boyfriend on earth and I wouldn't trade for anyone in the world. Because I have no closure with him. I don't want anything to do with him. I don't love him but part of my past hasn't been closed all the way and I feel like I need to do this not only for myself but for Jim as well. I hate having dreams about Joe and I'm screaming "Why didn't you ever call me? Why didn't you ever write?" and before as he starts to talk I wake up. I don't want to keep looking in the past when I should be looking towards the future with Jim.

I need help people. Now that I've done this I regret it. I feel like I've just compromised my relationship with Jim just to find out what happened to a past relationship that would have burned out in the end anyway. What do I do boys and girls? Someone tell me!