Goals

So I have some goals that I need/have to accomplish by this time next year for my own sanity.

They are:

• quit smoking by May 1st
• walk the Marathon June 1st
• finish paying Jim $ I owe him by the end of October
• get a better job
• move out and away from Jim 'cause we decided that was best
• find an apartment that takes dog for cheap or find a roommate and an apartment that takes dogs

God help me.

It's so rare that it happens i had to blog about it

I'm in a absolutely positively unbelievably good mood.

That is all.


:)

the bad and the good

The bad news: I didn't get that job that I had applied for.

The good news: I'm not giving up hope that one day I will leave BJ's forever.

The bad news: I still don't have any extra money coming in.

The good news: I'm still able to pay my bills each month.

The bad news: Work called me at 9:30am to see if I could go in early. (I'm not.)

The good news: Because I was awake, I was able to check myspace.com and see that an old friend contacted me! I missed her sarcasm and wit and am really excited to be back in touch with her again. Priceless!

my soul is crying inside
I walk around showing my mask to the outside world
never let them see you scared, afraid, lonely, sad
but inside I am screaming
praying to god
Let this pain go away!
I can't live like this anymore

but no one cares
or
no one sees
cause I can't let them

the shame of putting myself on a pedestal
and falling so far down
I can't even recognize myself

I could cry for days and never stop

no one knows how desperately I want to be beautiful like her
I want to take a knife and slice the fat off my body the way they slice the fat off the steaks at a butcher's
but I can't
because that's crazy and the easy way out

I want to scream at God, Why did you take my mother?
Why couldn't you have taken me?
She was gone way too fast
I didn't have enough time to talk to her
All those years that I couldn't be bothered and now
I would give away EVERYTHING just to hug her again

He says when you gonna make up your mind
when you gonna love you as much as I do
when you gonna make up your mind
cause things are gonna change so fast

where's my fairy godmother?
she's too busy helping Cinderella get ready for her prince
Oh how I could scream at the indignity of it all
Where's my prince charming?
taking a goddamn nap on the couch
there's no ball to attend
and the glass slipper broke years ago

this is my life

Maybe I'm bitter

After living together with someone for four and a half years, I've pretty much come to the realization of what I don't want in a boyfriend/husband. I still have no idea what I do want in one but here's what I don't want:

• I don't want someone who only loves me sometimes. So you'll only take the good and not the bad? You only know how to be a "fair-weather" boyfriend? Not good enough. I need someone who will take the good with the bad. Why have you stuck around for so long?
• I want someone who is going to say "bless you" or something like it when I sneeze. I know it goes back to only loving me sometimes, but I know you're mother didn't teach you to be rude.
• I don't want someone who is not somewhat spontaneous. It's not like you have to be doing something every minute of every day but jeez, can you try to go with the flow one day a month? Does every thing have to be planned out?
• You like politics. GREAT! I have a few opinions. Let me tell them to you. Don't be so passionate about it that I can't even tell you that I agree with you on somethings. When I'm in a middle of a sentence about why I think we should leave Iraq, don't talk over me. It makes me not want to care about what you have to say.
• I have a small family here in Rochester. It's even smaller now that my dad lives 12 hours away. Try including me in some of you family time's. I know they are your family but they are also an extension of you. What makes you think I don't want to see them? And also, don't tell me the night before that you are going on vacation with them for a weekend and when I ask "Why didn't I get invited?" don't say "I didn't think you'd be able to go." Of course I can't go now, I only had a 12 hour notice. After the 5th time, it's pretty obvious I'm not wanted around.
  
• Could you maybe rinse a bowl? I'm not even asking you to do dishes. Just turn on the water, rinse out the spaghetti sauce and turn off the water. It's not hard.
• Have you ever heard of a 27 year old taking a nap every day after work? I mean every day. You're tired. Fine. But instead of sleeping on the couch where the tv and computer is, could you go in the bedroom so that I can at least entertain myself while you catch up on your oh so important beauty sleep? I really don't even care anymore that you nap. Hell, my grandfather used to take naps every day when he would come to visit. I'm pretty used to it. But freaking out cause I'm playing with the dog in the living room is a little much.
• We've had the same alarm clock for 2 years. You still don't know how to work it. Try reading the manual instead of cursing at 5:30am every morning 'cause it won't work the way you want it to. The snooze button is the largest button on the alarm. How can you not hit it?
• Don't be like "the house is a mess again." and then sit on your ass expecting me to clean it by myself. You helped make the mess. You can help clean it.
• When I'm home before you, I cook dinner for the both of us. When you're home first, you cook for yourself. Thanks! Thanks alot. Yes, I'm going to order a pizza. No, you can't have any. Does that make me selfish? Probably. Do I really give a shit? No. Not really.

Maybe it's time to live alone. What do you think?

Later.

1000 Oceans

These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
And I would cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home

I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you
Over silbury hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you

And if I find you
Will you still remeber
Playing at trains
Or does this litte blue ball
Just fade away
Over silbury hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you
I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you

These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
Well I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
So I will cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home
Sail
Sail you home

You are a Social Liberal (61% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (25% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Brutal Honesty Part Two

Almost eight years later did I rebuild my life? For the most part. Is it where I want to be? Far from it. But am I in a better place? Definitely.

My depression comes and goes. Sometimes the weather can trigger it. Sometimes PMS. Sometimes just the rhythm of life can set it off. For the most part, I'm learning to read the signs. Alot of times though I won't even realize I'm depressed until I do something unexpected. These are my signs that I'm becoming depressed:

• I want to change something about me. Usually either cutting my hair or dyeing it. Alot of times though after I've changed my hair, I will feel better.
  
• Not having any interest in cleaning my house. Now most of you who have been to my house will say "You don't like to clean you house ever." But when I'm depressed, I can go weeks without washing a single dish. I have pictures to prove it.
  
• My friends will start to annoy me. Not that they are annoying but when I'm depressed I just want to be alone and I want to be in seclusion. Which is actually worse for me 'cause then I start thinking I don't have any friends. See how that horrible cycle starts to work?
• I'll cry off and on for days at a time.
  
• I won't be able to sleep at normal times. That's the anxiety. I won't be able to sleep at night when the sun is down but once that sun comes up, it's dreamland but for only 3 or 4 hours at a time.
  
• I just stop wanting to have conversations. I'm in my own little land. It feels like I'm the only one in the world who is feeling this way and I don't think anyone has ever felt this sad in the entire world.
  

So you are probably wondering how do I get myself out of this state. It depends on how far down in the hole I've allowed myself to get. Sometimes it can be as simple as reading a funny email. Other times I have to force myself to interact with people. I have to force myself to get out of bed, shower, walk the dog, go grocery shopping. And alot of times, I'll be doing all of this with tears running down my face. But I have to remind myself that this will pass. I have to get through it because there is no other alternative. Not anymore.

This is my life. There are still things I want to do with it. I have to remind myself that I do have family and friends who love me and want me to be well. That I'm not alone and that it will get better. Do I think I'm "recovered"? No. I'll always have this until I'm old and gray. But do I feel better than I did three days ago? Yes. I finally started to do the dishes yesterday. Will my depression ever pull me down again? Sure. Will I perserver and pull myself back up into the sunlight?

Absolutely.