Brutal Honesty Part Two

Almost eight years later did I rebuild my life? For the most part. Is it where I want to be? Far from it. But am I in a better place? Definitely.

My depression comes and goes. Sometimes the weather can trigger it. Sometimes PMS. Sometimes just the rhythm of life can set it off. For the most part, I'm learning to read the signs. Alot of times though I won't even realize I'm depressed until I do something unexpected. These are my signs that I'm becoming depressed:

• I want to change something about me. Usually either cutting my hair or dyeing it. Alot of times though after I've changed my hair, I will feel better.
  
• Not having any interest in cleaning my house. Now most of you who have been to my house will say "You don't like to clean you house ever." But when I'm depressed, I can go weeks without washing a single dish. I have pictures to prove it.
  
• My friends will start to annoy me. Not that they are annoying but when I'm depressed I just want to be alone and I want to be in seclusion. Which is actually worse for me 'cause then I start thinking I don't have any friends. See how that horrible cycle starts to work?
• I'll cry off and on for days at a time.
  
• I won't be able to sleep at normal times. That's the anxiety. I won't be able to sleep at night when the sun is down but once that sun comes up, it's dreamland but for only 3 or 4 hours at a time.
  
• I just stop wanting to have conversations. I'm in my own little land. It feels like I'm the only one in the world who is feeling this way and I don't think anyone has ever felt this sad in the entire world.
  

So you are probably wondering how do I get myself out of this state. It depends on how far down in the hole I've allowed myself to get. Sometimes it can be as simple as reading a funny email. Other times I have to force myself to interact with people. I have to force myself to get out of bed, shower, walk the dog, go grocery shopping. And alot of times, I'll be doing all of this with tears running down my face. But I have to remind myself that this will pass. I have to get through it because there is no other alternative. Not anymore.

This is my life. There are still things I want to do with it. I have to remind myself that I do have family and friends who love me and want me to be well. That I'm not alone and that it will get better. Do I think I'm "recovered"? No. I'll always have this until I'm old and gray. But do I feel better than I did three days ago? Yes. I finally started to do the dishes yesterday. Will my depression ever pull me down again? Sure. Will I perserver and pull myself back up into the sunlight?

Absolutely.