Rant

I really really need a vacation from my life because right now, it has no direction. I'm doing absolutely nothing that I thought I would be doing at the age of 29. I thought I would be working in journalism, married with two kids. Instead, I'm working in a deli, single with no chance of having kids in the forseeable future. And I don't know how to change any of it. I know how to change the deli part but unfortunately there are no jobs right now in NY that I want to be doing. And to do what I want to anyway, I have to go back to school. But there's no money to go back to school because I work in a deli where I only make a little over $9 an hour. Which six years ago, would have been great. But everything is more expensive and I can barely make ends meet. I'm just miserable and fed up with my life and something drastic has to change or else I'm gonna go nuts.

I've thought about moving to Chicago to be with my dad but I don't want to leave my brother, niece and friends. Plus, it's more expensive there to live than it is here. My whole life justs feels like it's at a dead end and this is all there is for me for the rest of my life: get up, go to work, hate every second of it, go home, fight with boyfriend, go to sleep, wake up, repeat.

And when did people I went to high school with suddenly become so much more sophisticated than me? They weren't that sophisticated in high school. I feel so inadequate next to some of them, I just want to stay in bed all day. Did I not go to school the day they were handing out the awards for intellect, maturity, you have to act like you're 45 for the rest of your life? I feel like I haven't grown up in the past 8 years. I've just been stagnant. Like I don't know how to have a conversation with someone without making a joke about everything.

I'm just so frustrated with my life and the direction it's going. Erase that. The direction it's not going because it doesn't seem to be going at all.

Everything blows.