Trying to let go

So I sent that letter off to Army Boy. Have I gotten a response? No. Was I really expecting one? No.

It was therapeutic writing that letter. I didn't yell or write hateful things. Just that I wanted to talk. Once it was in the mailbox, I instantly regret it but after a few days, I realized that for me, mailing that letter was closure. I was able to communicate with him now whereas six years ago, I couldn't. So although I will never get a response I am okay with it. Do I hate him the way I did all those years ago? No. He seems to have moved on and doesn't seem as stuck in the past as I am. But I'm trying.

Am I content with my life right now? I don't know. It depends on the day. For the most part, yeah. I can pay my bills every month. I have a boyfriend who loves me. I have my friends that I would do almost anything for. I have my family. My life really isn't all that bad.

Am I done living in the past? I'd like to think so. Am I eager to see what the future brings me? Absolutely.

Unexpectedly facing one of my demons

Last night, at around 8:45pm, I came face to face with a demon from my past. Army Boy.
I'd like to say that it didn't bother me at all but it did. Here's the story.

Back in '99 I met Joe through an ex-boyfriend. Within the first 4 hours of meeting, he told me he loved me and from there the fire burned intense. We were always together and we ( I truly believed) loved each other very much. But there was one small problem with our relationship. He was 16. I was 22. His mother hated me. Things were turbulent for the year and a half we were together.

I'm not sure who Laura hated more. Me or her son. It seemed she was always calling the police on him because he would say or do something he didn't like. She called the police so many times that they finally yelled at her that they weren't a chauffeur service for her to take her son to his girlfriend's house. But she would also call my dad and tell him these outrageous stories about her Joe and I were planning on eloping. She is crazy.

Joe had decided to enroll in the army for a few reasons. One to get away from his mom and two because he dropped out of high school, got his GED and was working at Pizza Hut. He had no focuse or future for his life.

It was really really hard went he went to boot camp. He was stressed. I was stressed. After his graduation, he decided he didn't want to be in the army anymore so he decided to say if he had to go back he would commit suicide. So he went to Strong Hospital and he was admitted to the psychiatric ward where he was for a week. After he got out, his recruiter told him that he had to report for duty but that he would probably get discharged. The day he left to go back to Georgia we said I love you to each other and he said he would see me in a week.

I never heard from him again until this past Thursday.

His mom broke up with me for him about two months after he left. She told me that he didn't want to talk to me. And I cried. I cried for a long time. I was still trying to get over him and deal with his silence when Jim came back from Virginia for a visit. I hadn't gotten completely over Joe when Jim and I started dating. But I figured I would never see or hear from Joe again so I never fully dealt with all the emotions his leaving gave me.

It was very akward seeing him and his friend on monroe Ave. He looked just as uncomfortable as I felt and all I wanted to do was run away. I could kick myself now because there were so many things I've been wanting to say to him for the past six years and I just stood there like a dork. Bah.
Now it's time to deal with my emotions 'cause seeing him again especially so close to my home, means that I have a lot of anger towards him still. And it's not healthy to harbor so much anger for 6 years. I'm writing him a letter to tell him I need to talk and that I hope he can give me some closure. We'll see what happens.

Well that was stupid. I just posted but because i had started it back in May, it's not coming up as the most recent. Here's the link.

I AM A FIGHTER

After all you put me through
You'd think I despise you
But in the end, I wanna thank you
'Cause you make me that much stronger

When I, thought I knew you
Thinking that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff, time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter


Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never saw it coming
All of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard you're going round
Playing the victim now
But don't even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
No more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now
And never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter


Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter and I
I ain't goin' stop
There is no turning back
I've had enough

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thought I would forget
But I remember
I remember
I'll remember, I'll remember

Thought I would forget
But I remember
I remember
I'll remember, I'll remember

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

wow

There is so much to say but I still have to wrap my mind around it all. How could 4 minutes out of my 24 hour day be so drastic? I'll have more tomorrow maybe. I'm still trying to digest it all and get my sanity back...not that I ever had it.

love hate relationship

There are some changes coming up in the deli department that I can't really talk about just yet 'cause well, nothing is definite yet. Some of these changes make me happy. Others not so much. Hopefully the changes will be good enough that I won't have to hurt anyone.

Conversations Wholesale Style

Member: Are you the supervisor? We just spilled some juice over in aisle 25.

Red-haired supervisor: Want me to show you where the mop is?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Member standing at the Chicken Rotisserie: How do you cut it?

Deli Clerk: The chicken?

Member: Yeah. How do you cut it?

Deli Clerk: With a knife.

So I just got back from walking the 5K and I finished it in 1:15:03. But in my own defense, it was my first marathon and it took us 15 minutes before we even crossed the start line to actually begin. I've tired, sweaty and ready for alcohol.

Later.