Who wants to see new pictures?

In Control

The title is misleading because I'm not in control. But only of my emotions right now. I'm on that cliff looking down and the irrational part of me just wants to leap off and fly away from everything that is bothering me and essentially lose control but the rational part of me tells me I can't. I'm stronger than all this and I can't show anyone just how much things bother me. It's easier to be mean, rude, disrespectful and to ignore my friends and be alone than it is to actually talk to someone hoping against all hope that someone will listen and tell me that it is all going to be okay. But the main question is "Will I believe them?" Can I trust anyone to comfort me when I can't even trust myself enough to let my guard down to tell them?

There is so much going on inside my head I can't think. My head feels like a shoe that has sand in it. I would love to be able to tip my head and have all my fears, anger, and insecurities fall out like sand. I would love to have the feeling of peace. But heads are not shoes and feelings are not sand. They can not be easily brushed away just because one wills them to be.

I currently have a medical problem that I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know the future. Even people that predict futures can get it wrong. There are no guarantees in this life. I don't know how to handle everything that seems to all be happening at once.

I've had more headaches in the past 4 days then I've had in the past month and a half. I would love to sweep all these struggles (I won't call them problems) I seem to be having this year under a rug and try to forget about them but that seems to be the reason I'm in this position in the first place.

A part of me wonders if I'm even strong enough to handle all of this. No matter what religion you believe, they always say that you are never given more than you can handle. I wish I believed that. I don't feel like I'm being punished but I feel like I'm being picked on per se. That this is a test and right now I'm failing miserably at it. I guess you could say I'm depressed.

I just have to keep telling myself that everything will get better soon. I do have to work on it and I'm thinking that the fact that I feel like everything has been coming to a head since Thursday means that in some small way I'm working on it. I'm not sweeping it under the rug. If I was, things wouldn't be bothering me so much and I wouldn't be so sad about things.

I want to be a happy person. The person I was seven years ago before I met my ex. I'm not blaming my sadness, anxiety, depression, what-have-you on him, but it seems that once I started dating him I lost a part of myself. The good-natured part of me that took joy in the little things. Now I just seem to be jaded and though I don't think that everyone is out get me, I don't necessarily think they are around to help me either. I'm not talking about people I'm close to but more like forces/energy around me. I just feel lost. Is it possible to feel lost but still be in control?

I just want it all to work out okay. School, money, work, living situation, health. Maybe I'm just asking for too much all at once.

I need a drink.

Pics and stuff

So today in my photography class we had to have three pictures printed out so that they could be critiqued by the class. I hated doing this. I hate telling someone what I think is wrong with something even though I know it will help them take better pictures. I hate listening to people tell me what's wrong with my stuff. It's not that I'm not open to criticism...it's just that I like it better when it's one on one. I don't like being the center of attention. My palms sweat and my face gets red. I didn't like my pictures all that much to begin with and I don't like them any better after listening to them talk about them. So below are the pics I submitted.




My favorite is the first one with the berries. The other two were pretty much just taken to fulfill the assignment. What do you think?

Wishing School was over already

So I'm sitting here in what Maica and I used to call the Italian Restaurant. It's really just a large opening with several tables, chairs, electrical plugs (thank God), and a little coffee shop. I'm sitting here and there is a guy that looks just like Army Boy. Oh dear Lord, I can't stop staring at him. I know he doesn't look like him now, but several years ago, I would have just gone right up to him and started talking not realizing it wasn't him. He's absolutely beautiful.

So I'm over this whole going to school for 3 hours a class thing. I should have taken some online classes this semester. Ugh!

So everyday this past weekend I had to take my Xanax. It was mainly to sleep which scares me 'cause I don't want to be dependent on this stuff to fall asleep. Sunday night I took it, after watching the SuperBowl, and I still only got about an hour of sleep. And then I got sick at work. Like so sick I was beginning to think maybe I had the stomach flu again like last February. So I went home and tried to get some sleep for an hour cause I was determined to make it to my 2pm class. That soooooooo didn't happen. RG&E stopped by and had to get in the house to change the meters so needless to say I left work early, missed school, and didn't get any real homework done because of this stupid anxiety medicine. So I decided not to take them at all yesterday and I slept for like 11 hours. I haven't taken any today. I have a bit of anxiety but I should be okay as long as my professor isn't boring.

god damn, I wish I was 10 years younger. There are some fine boys at school today. And I'm entirely too old for most of them. Blah! I don't need a man anyway. I don't have time for myself, my homework, or my dog let alone having a serious relationship right now. Maybe when school is over in May and I find myself a good job with normal hours.

The thing with the job I have isn't that the pay is bad. I make decent money. The problem is that I'm only allowed to work 30 hours a week and those hours are technically all over the place. I have no set schedule and I never know what I'm working from one week to the next. If they would give me 40 hours and a normal schedule that never changes I would totally stay there. But I know that will never happen so to school I go to get a certification and get a "real" job.

Darn, Army boy look-a-like is talking to some girl who really isn't that cute looking. Oh well, he's still fun to look at and he's got a gorgeous smile. I do find it a bit ironic that he's wearing a camouflage baseball hat. I think it could possibly be a sign to stay far, far, far, away from him.

I guess I should start packing my stuff up so I can go smoke and get to class.

Later.

Gray day

Last Tuesday when I posted last, I had not yet heard about Heath Ledger's untimely death. I was at school going to the cafeteria when I saw it on the tv's and it floored me. He was my absolute favorite actor and I am having trouble coming to terms with his death. I know he was no one I knew or had even met but his death has really affected me. I'm not sure why his death should bother me so much. Maybe it's because his death hit close to home for me because he was taking anxiety medicine and sleeping pills. The man wanted to sleep. All he wanted (we can only assume) was a solid 8 hours of peaceful, restful, sleep. I've been through the same thing. It's terrible when you can't sleep and you have anxiety. It's a vicious cycle. You have anxiety, you take anxiety meds. At the same time you have anxiety you are exhausted physically and mentally. You want to sleep. But you can't because your anxiety won't let you. Your mind is on overdrive and won't let you relax. So you take a sleeping pill. Which, if you're lucky, lets you get at least 4 hours sleep. I can completely understand how Heath could have accidentally taken too much medicine. All he wanted was to get some rest and it ended up killing him. I'm still in denial about his death. I keep hoping that I'll turn on CNN.com and find out that it was all a horrible joke and he's really alive.

I ended up having to take an anxiety pill for the first time since Saturday night. I'm at school currently and I've just had to sit through a three hour class. After about the first two hours, I was ready to get out of that room. Once I was out of that class, I couldn't find any place to sit that was extremely loud and had a plug to plug in my laptop. I found a table, chair, plug but no quiet place. I can remember the days when the entire school would be quiet after 3:30pm and you could sit pretty much anywhere. Now at 6pm, you're still searching for a comfortable place to sit where there won't be anyone yelling and carrying on and disrupting other students who are trying to do work. Have I mentioned yet that I'm over school? Have I also mentioned how my anxiety meds haven't kicked in just yet and I want to rip my face off? Good times today. Good times.

Not that anyone cares but I got my period again today. AGAIN. It just ended 12 days ago. And before that it had ended only 7 days ago. I was starting to think that maybe my birth control was causing something screwy down there but since it's been 22 days since I was on them last, I'm think that it wasn't birth control. I just have to deal with the fact that I have a dysfunctional uterus. I'm not currently trying to but one day I will want to have kids and I would like to carry them myself and how can I do that if my uterus is broken? More stress. I'm tired of stress.

Luckily, I don't have to worry about getting pregnant since Jim and I broke up. I'm pretty much to the point where he's annoying. He only seems to call when he needs me to go online for him to check e-mail or fantasy football. To me, that's not what a friend is for. I don't want to be used. Hey asshole, how 'bout calling me just to find out how my day was? Not as a lead point to ask me to do something. I don't mind seeing him on Wednesdays for out card night but I think I'm to the point where I don't really want to see him otherwise. He's always so down and depressing and I'm trying not to be that person. It's not that I'm being callous. I do care about him. But I have my own problems to worry about and he never seems to have a new problem. He's been complaining about his job since the day he got. I've told him to search for a new job but he won't. He complains about not making enough money so I told him to look for a second job. He complains that there's nothing to do. I suggest something and he usually shoots it down. Well, I'm tired of trying to make him happy. The only two things I need to worry about in this life is my dog and me.

I'm tired of worrying about everything. I tired of worrying if I'm gonna have enough money to pay my bills on time, let alone buy more supplies I need for school. I'm tired of worrying about how I'm going to find an apartment that I can afford and how I'm going to finally be a responsible adult and take care of my own shit without having to worry about anything. I just want life to be easy. Doesn't have to be a piece of cake but it's not supposed to be this hard either. It shouldn't be this tiring or feeling so helpless all the time. I want a day where I have no regrets of the past and no worries about the future.

Fuck, I need a cigarette and I'm starving. Did I tell you yet that I'm over being at school for 8 hours for two classes. This will be a long semester but there's only 14 weeks left (not counting our 2 weeks of vacations). Anybody want to give me a interest-free, not required to pay it back loan of about $150? Actually, I could give it back once I get my taxes back next month.

Ugh. Ever just want to start your life over? Ever wish maybe you had paid more attention in high school and done really well the first time you went to college which would have made it your only time of going to college. Ever wish you had invested a lot of money instead of spending your inheritance at Wegmans at 2am? Ever wish you could just start your entire life over and know that you would do things differently? Maybe hung out with different people when you were younger or maybe treated your parents better? Ever just wish for a change?

Starting Over

I know it has been a long time since I have posted last. I've been going through some things that I'm just now coming to understand. In the past year, I've started school, broke up with my boyfriend (more than once) and have had to come to terms with the fact that my life is still not what I want it to be but it is much farther than anyone could have expected. I am still alive and here and though I've had some setbacks, I know that I will survive anything that comes this way. When I moved in with Jen and broke up with Jim, I lost a part of myself somewhere. I was no longer someone that Jen called when something was wrong. I was too available and too close to her situations for her to see me as a friend. I was just someone who was renting from her and the friendship wasn't the same. When Jim and I broke up, I lost six years of my life in an instance. Sure we are still friends but I like to play the What if game. What if we had broken up way earlier and maybe I would be with someone new by now. What if we hadn't stayed together for so long. Maybe I would be married to someone who loves me for me and maybe I would have a child with that person. Maybe I could have traveled more and seen more of life than just my backyard.

But I can't look at the past anymore and even though I have these fantastic plans for myself, when they don't happen fast enough, I become anxious. And that's really what this post is about. It's about my horrible anxiety. I had to think to myself what I used to do when my anxiety had gotten really bad. Well, one of the things I used to do was blog. I really only did one to five blog post once I moved in with Jen over a year ago, and I'm sure that that's part of the reason I get so anxious. Blogging let me get out some of this excess energy I seem to always have. So one of my goals is to start again. I don't really care if no one reads it. This is about me, for me, for my health and sanity. So if you used to read me all the time or if you've just found me, welcome. But I'm not going to blogging to be funny all the time or to entertain you. Some of my posts may very well be unintelligible and some may be scary. And lord knows, there will be lots of sarcasm 'cause lets face it, I'm a sarcastic motherf***er and it's what I do best.