Gray day

Last Tuesday when I posted last, I had not yet heard about Heath Ledger's untimely death. I was at school going to the cafeteria when I saw it on the tv's and it floored me. He was my absolute favorite actor and I am having trouble coming to terms with his death. I know he was no one I knew or had even met but his death has really affected me. I'm not sure why his death should bother me so much. Maybe it's because his death hit close to home for me because he was taking anxiety medicine and sleeping pills. The man wanted to sleep. All he wanted (we can only assume) was a solid 8 hours of peaceful, restful, sleep. I've been through the same thing. It's terrible when you can't sleep and you have anxiety. It's a vicious cycle. You have anxiety, you take anxiety meds. At the same time you have anxiety you are exhausted physically and mentally. You want to sleep. But you can't because your anxiety won't let you. Your mind is on overdrive and won't let you relax. So you take a sleeping pill. Which, if you're lucky, lets you get at least 4 hours sleep. I can completely understand how Heath could have accidentally taken too much medicine. All he wanted was to get some rest and it ended up killing him. I'm still in denial about his death. I keep hoping that I'll turn on CNN.com and find out that it was all a horrible joke and he's really alive.

I ended up having to take an anxiety pill for the first time since Saturday night. I'm at school currently and I've just had to sit through a three hour class. After about the first two hours, I was ready to get out of that room. Once I was out of that class, I couldn't find any place to sit that was extremely loud and had a plug to plug in my laptop. I found a table, chair, plug but no quiet place. I can remember the days when the entire school would be quiet after 3:30pm and you could sit pretty much anywhere. Now at 6pm, you're still searching for a comfortable place to sit where there won't be anyone yelling and carrying on and disrupting other students who are trying to do work. Have I mentioned yet that I'm over school? Have I also mentioned how my anxiety meds haven't kicked in just yet and I want to rip my face off? Good times today. Good times.

Not that anyone cares but I got my period again today. AGAIN. It just ended 12 days ago. And before that it had ended only 7 days ago. I was starting to think that maybe my birth control was causing something screwy down there but since it's been 22 days since I was on them last, I'm think that it wasn't birth control. I just have to deal with the fact that I have a dysfunctional uterus. I'm not currently trying to but one day I will want to have kids and I would like to carry them myself and how can I do that if my uterus is broken? More stress. I'm tired of stress.

Luckily, I don't have to worry about getting pregnant since Jim and I broke up. I'm pretty much to the point where he's annoying. He only seems to call when he needs me to go online for him to check e-mail or fantasy football. To me, that's not what a friend is for. I don't want to be used. Hey asshole, how 'bout calling me just to find out how my day was? Not as a lead point to ask me to do something. I don't mind seeing him on Wednesdays for out card night but I think I'm to the point where I don't really want to see him otherwise. He's always so down and depressing and I'm trying not to be that person. It's not that I'm being callous. I do care about him. But I have my own problems to worry about and he never seems to have a new problem. He's been complaining about his job since the day he got. I've told him to search for a new job but he won't. He complains about not making enough money so I told him to look for a second job. He complains that there's nothing to do. I suggest something and he usually shoots it down. Well, I'm tired of trying to make him happy. The only two things I need to worry about in this life is my dog and me.

I'm tired of worrying about everything. I tired of worrying if I'm gonna have enough money to pay my bills on time, let alone buy more supplies I need for school. I'm tired of worrying about how I'm going to find an apartment that I can afford and how I'm going to finally be a responsible adult and take care of my own shit without having to worry about anything. I just want life to be easy. Doesn't have to be a piece of cake but it's not supposed to be this hard either. It shouldn't be this tiring or feeling so helpless all the time. I want a day where I have no regrets of the past and no worries about the future.

Fuck, I need a cigarette and I'm starving. Did I tell you yet that I'm over being at school for 8 hours for two classes. This will be a long semester but there's only 14 weeks left (not counting our 2 weeks of vacations). Anybody want to give me a interest-free, not required to pay it back loan of about $150? Actually, I could give it back once I get my taxes back next month.

Ugh. Ever just want to start your life over? Ever wish maybe you had paid more attention in high school and done really well the first time you went to college which would have made it your only time of going to college. Ever wish you had invested a lot of money instead of spending your inheritance at Wegmans at 2am? Ever wish you could just start your entire life over and know that you would do things differently? Maybe hung out with different people when you were younger or maybe treated your parents better? Ever just wish for a change?