Starting Over

I know it has been a long time since I have posted last. I've been going through some things that I'm just now coming to understand. In the past year, I've started school, broke up with my boyfriend (more than once) and have had to come to terms with the fact that my life is still not what I want it to be but it is much farther than anyone could have expected. I am still alive and here and though I've had some setbacks, I know that I will survive anything that comes this way. When I moved in with Jen and broke up with Jim, I lost a part of myself somewhere. I was no longer someone that Jen called when something was wrong. I was too available and too close to her situations for her to see me as a friend. I was just someone who was renting from her and the friendship wasn't the same. When Jim and I broke up, I lost six years of my life in an instance. Sure we are still friends but I like to play the What if game. What if we had broken up way earlier and maybe I would be with someone new by now. What if we hadn't stayed together for so long. Maybe I would be married to someone who loves me for me and maybe I would have a child with that person. Maybe I could have traveled more and seen more of life than just my backyard.

But I can't look at the past anymore and even though I have these fantastic plans for myself, when they don't happen fast enough, I become anxious. And that's really what this post is about. It's about my horrible anxiety. I had to think to myself what I used to do when my anxiety had gotten really bad. Well, one of the things I used to do was blog. I really only did one to five blog post once I moved in with Jen over a year ago, and I'm sure that that's part of the reason I get so anxious. Blogging let me get out some of this excess energy I seem to always have. So one of my goals is to start again. I don't really care if no one reads it. This is about me, for me, for my health and sanity. So if you used to read me all the time or if you've just found me, welcome. But I'm not going to blogging to be funny all the time or to entertain you. Some of my posts may very well be unintelligible and some may be scary. And lord knows, there will be lots of sarcasm 'cause lets face it, I'm a sarcastic motherf***er and it's what I do best.