In Control

The title is misleading because I'm not in control. But only of my emotions right now. I'm on that cliff looking down and the irrational part of me just wants to leap off and fly away from everything that is bothering me and essentially lose control but the rational part of me tells me I can't. I'm stronger than all this and I can't show anyone just how much things bother me. It's easier to be mean, rude, disrespectful and to ignore my friends and be alone than it is to actually talk to someone hoping against all hope that someone will listen and tell me that it is all going to be okay. But the main question is "Will I believe them?" Can I trust anyone to comfort me when I can't even trust myself enough to let my guard down to tell them?

There is so much going on inside my head I can't think. My head feels like a shoe that has sand in it. I would love to be able to tip my head and have all my fears, anger, and insecurities fall out like sand. I would love to have the feeling of peace. But heads are not shoes and feelings are not sand. They can not be easily brushed away just because one wills them to be.

I currently have a medical problem that I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know the future. Even people that predict futures can get it wrong. There are no guarantees in this life. I don't know how to handle everything that seems to all be happening at once.

I've had more headaches in the past 4 days then I've had in the past month and a half. I would love to sweep all these struggles (I won't call them problems) I seem to be having this year under a rug and try to forget about them but that seems to be the reason I'm in this position in the first place.

A part of me wonders if I'm even strong enough to handle all of this. No matter what religion you believe, they always say that you are never given more than you can handle. I wish I believed that. I don't feel like I'm being punished but I feel like I'm being picked on per se. That this is a test and right now I'm failing miserably at it. I guess you could say I'm depressed.

I just have to keep telling myself that everything will get better soon. I do have to work on it and I'm thinking that the fact that I feel like everything has been coming to a head since Thursday means that in some small way I'm working on it. I'm not sweeping it under the rug. If I was, things wouldn't be bothering me so much and I wouldn't be so sad about things.

I want to be a happy person. The person I was seven years ago before I met my ex. I'm not blaming my sadness, anxiety, depression, what-have-you on him, but it seems that once I started dating him I lost a part of myself. The good-natured part of me that took joy in the little things. Now I just seem to be jaded and though I don't think that everyone is out get me, I don't necessarily think they are around to help me either. I'm not talking about people I'm close to but more like forces/energy around me. I just feel lost. Is it possible to feel lost but still be in control?

I just want it all to work out okay. School, money, work, living situation, health. Maybe I'm just asking for too much all at once.

I need a drink.

Pics and stuff

So today in my photography class we had to have three pictures printed out so that they could be critiqued by the class. I hated doing this. I hate telling someone what I think is wrong with something even though I know it will help them take better pictures. I hate listening to people tell me what's wrong with my stuff. It's not that I'm not open to criticism...it's just that I like it better when it's one on one. I don't like being the center of attention. My palms sweat and my face gets red. I didn't like my pictures all that much to begin with and I don't like them any better after listening to them talk about them. So below are the pics I submitted.




My favorite is the first one with the berries. The other two were pretty much just taken to fulfill the assignment. What do you think?

Wishing School was over already

So I'm sitting here in what Maica and I used to call the Italian Restaurant. It's really just a large opening with several tables, chairs, electrical plugs (thank God), and a little coffee shop. I'm sitting here and there is a guy that looks just like Army Boy. Oh dear Lord, I can't stop staring at him. I know he doesn't look like him now, but several years ago, I would have just gone right up to him and started talking not realizing it wasn't him. He's absolutely beautiful.

So I'm over this whole going to school for 3 hours a class thing. I should have taken some online classes this semester. Ugh!

So everyday this past weekend I had to take my Xanax. It was mainly to sleep which scares me 'cause I don't want to be dependent on this stuff to fall asleep. Sunday night I took it, after watching the SuperBowl, and I still only got about an hour of sleep. And then I got sick at work. Like so sick I was beginning to think maybe I had the stomach flu again like last February. So I went home and tried to get some sleep for an hour cause I was determined to make it to my 2pm class. That soooooooo didn't happen. RG&E stopped by and had to get in the house to change the meters so needless to say I left work early, missed school, and didn't get any real homework done because of this stupid anxiety medicine. So I decided not to take them at all yesterday and I slept for like 11 hours. I haven't taken any today. I have a bit of anxiety but I should be okay as long as my professor isn't boring.

god damn, I wish I was 10 years younger. There are some fine boys at school today. And I'm entirely too old for most of them. Blah! I don't need a man anyway. I don't have time for myself, my homework, or my dog let alone having a serious relationship right now. Maybe when school is over in May and I find myself a good job with normal hours.

The thing with the job I have isn't that the pay is bad. I make decent money. The problem is that I'm only allowed to work 30 hours a week and those hours are technically all over the place. I have no set schedule and I never know what I'm working from one week to the next. If they would give me 40 hours and a normal schedule that never changes I would totally stay there. But I know that will never happen so to school I go to get a certification and get a "real" job.

Darn, Army boy look-a-like is talking to some girl who really isn't that cute looking. Oh well, he's still fun to look at and he's got a gorgeous smile. I do find it a bit ironic that he's wearing a camouflage baseball hat. I think it could possibly be a sign to stay far, far, far, away from him.

I guess I should start packing my stuff up so I can go smoke and get to class.

Later.